His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
