we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
