What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
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Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
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You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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