Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
