Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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