There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
