Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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