I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
