i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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