I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
