i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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