please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
