I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
