Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
