Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
