It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
