My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
