if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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