When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
