He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
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so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
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"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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