you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
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Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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