last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
