I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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