I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
