Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
