My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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