Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
