I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
