I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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