If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
