I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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