I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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