he told me I talked like a deaf person
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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