he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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