My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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