When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
