3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
