i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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