Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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