I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize