Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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