I showed him my bush... on skype.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
