Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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