the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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