I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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