Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
