My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
