you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
