I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
