I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
