There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
