My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
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She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌