On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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