I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
