if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
