I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
