Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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