I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
