You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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