can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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