You're completely useless in the revolution.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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