Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
