ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
